The Day the TV Died

It was a day no one would forget. The TV signal just died. No cable, no satellite, no antenna, nothing. Just gone Without A Trace. Brian didn’t know what to do. Television was his life. Finally his mother returned from the grocery store. Brian said, “While You Were Out, the TV broke. What am I going to do for Entertainment Tonight?”

“Don’t worry,” she said. “It will probably be back on within 60 Minutes.” But it wasn’t. Even after 48 Hours, there was still no signal. All over the country, viewers missed their TV. They even tried Trading Spaces, but there was no television anywhere. On some streets, Desperate Housewives gathered to console each other. No one knew the cause. Even the police departments’ CSI units (3 of them!) couldn’t find a clue. Authorities worried the loss of television might put their communities in Jeopardy if they couldn’t maintain Law & Order.

The President even called a special meeting of his advisors in The West Wing to ensure behavior didn’t deteriorate into The Wild, Wild West. Still, taking into account the Fear Factor, the ER at the General Hospital did not have any more patients than normal. In fact, people found there were other activities available.

People walked in the neighborhood. Mr. Seinfeld washed his new JAG by hand. Husbands and wives had Sex, And The City planners were grateful that The Streets Of San Francisco were safe. From Las Vegas to Chicago, Hope was in the air. Brian’s mother noticed her neighbors, Will & Grace, who were The Honeymooners on the block, walk across the street to talk to The Simpsons. Still Brian was complaining, “If there’s no TV, you might as well Just Shoot Me.”

“Now, now, dear. You’ll be all right. You’re a Survivor. Why don’t you read a book or go see your Friends or get involved in other activities like your brother Ray? He hardly ever watches television.”

“Ray, Ray, Ray,” Brian whined. “Ray is King of the Hill in everything. Star athlete, great student, newspaper editor, Spanish Club president. I don’t want to hear about Ray.”

Brian’s mother, who was very wise, said, “Well, Ray has time to get involved and do well in all those activities because of his Concentration and because he doesn’t waste time in front of the TV like you and your sister Amy tend to do.”

Brian continued with sarcasm, “Oh, I know, Amy and I won’t amount to anything because we watch too much TV.”

“I’m not Judging Amy or you. I just think your time could be better spent doing something besides watching television. After all, you only have One Life To Live,” his mother explained. “I’m not Mad About You watching television. It’s just that TV is so pervasive. It seems like television and its influence are everywhere. There is just so much you’ll miss if you’re stuck to the couch watching television.”

Brian continued to pout, but then thought about what his mother said. If he continued to watch television while Ray worked to achieve his goals, he could envision his brother Ray as the CEO, but himself only as The Apprentice.

“Maybe she’s right,” Brian thought. “What is it about Ray? I mean, Everybody Loves Raymond. Hmmm, maybe I should forget about the TV and read a good book…